Love, not actually
Melissa Mary Smith COLUMNIST
Issue date: 2/2/10 Section: Opinion
I can't think of any other holiday during tax season more stupid than Valentine's Day.
Don't get me wrong; I take great pride in handing out my really cool Dora the Explorer and Crocodile Hunter valentines to all of my friends.
I also enjoy it when I receive a Hallmark Valentine's Day greeting card from my adoring parents. Every. Single. Year.
Smarminess aside, Valentine's Day is simply a holiday where you're unfortunately subjected to friends obnoxiously boasting about all of the nice crap their significant others bought them.
Because true love is when people buy you things or do things for you (things that directly/indirectly involve the exchange of money for services, of course).
What made-up holidays like Sweetest Day and Valentine's Day have taught us is that nothing says "I love you" more appropriately than buying the one you love bouquets of flowers that will wilt and die within a week or the cliche box of chocolates, which may or may not cause indigestion and gagging.
Another thing I can't stand about holidays like these is that they seem to be marketed entirely toward women. Women almost squeal with joy like pigs when their boyfriends and fiances buy them completely useless things like giant stuffed animal bears or the equally as useless diamond ring. Unless the stuffed bear is capable of talking and offering me counseling services, it's just going to sit in my basement.
If the diamond ring is magically not a blood diamond and I'm capable of fighting crime with it, it's going to make an incredibly fun trip to the pawn shop.
So, if you're a single cynic like me and feeling left out on Valentine's Day, you should at least keep in mind all of the money you're saving.
Money that can be spent on more meaningful things like a student loan payment. Or a 40-ounce bottle of Steel Reserve.
Don't get me wrong; I take great pride in handing out my really cool Dora the Explorer and Crocodile Hunter valentines to all of my friends.
I also enjoy it when I receive a Hallmark Valentine's Day greeting card from my adoring parents. Every. Single. Year.
Smarminess aside, Valentine's Day is simply a holiday where you're unfortunately subjected to friends obnoxiously boasting about all of the nice crap their significant others bought them.
Because true love is when people buy you things or do things for you (things that directly/indirectly involve the exchange of money for services, of course).
What made-up holidays like Sweetest Day and Valentine's Day have taught us is that nothing says "I love you" more appropriately than buying the one you love bouquets of flowers that will wilt and die within a week or the cliche box of chocolates, which may or may not cause indigestion and gagging.
Another thing I can't stand about holidays like these is that they seem to be marketed entirely toward women. Women almost squeal with joy like pigs when their boyfriends and fiances buy them completely useless things like giant stuffed animal bears or the equally as useless diamond ring. Unless the stuffed bear is capable of talking and offering me counseling services, it's just going to sit in my basement.
If the diamond ring is magically not a blood diamond and I'm capable of fighting crime with it, it's going to make an incredibly fun trip to the pawn shop.
So, if you're a single cynic like me and feeling left out on Valentine's Day, you should at least keep in mind all of the money you're saving.
Money that can be spent on more meaningful things like a student loan payment. Or a 40-ounce bottle of Steel Reserve.
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