RepubliCon '08: Electric Boogaloo
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Doug Dierkes, COLUMNIST
Issue date: 9/4/08 Section: Opinion
Despite being upstaged earlier in the week by coverage of Hurricane Gustav, the Republican National Convention still went down in St. Paul, Minnesota this week, and the GOP has been making some confusing political statements.
The biggest question marks are coming from the nomination of Governor Sarah Palin as McCain's VP. Is she a ploy to get jaded Hillary supporters? Is this nomination just a way of greenlighting oil drilling projects in her home state of Alaska? Is this one of the least experienced choices for vice president? The Republican party is doing everything in their power to shush out the numerous yeas to these queries, but they seem insistent on keeping the governor on the ballot.
Even though I personally distrust the Republican party after eight years of Dubya finding new ways to fail (and new ways to spin said failures into success stories), I feel somewhat obligated to help Palin improve her "street cred" as a candidate. Here are just a few suggestions.
Steal the spotlight
The media loves talking about Sarah Palin about as much as they love talking about Barack Obama. The more time mainsteream media outlets devotes to covering Palin's "qualifications," the less time they have to focus on McCain.
So my first tip for Palin: Get those headlines! Discuss your plans to abolish sex education, get into an altercation with Stephen Colbert, dangle your pregnant daughter out of a hotel window a la Michael Jackson ... Whatever it takes to keep the news focused on you, and not the more important issues.
Get the look
The big problem most of the media outlets have with Palin is her youth. Whereas most advisors would hint at more professional dress, I say flaunt your body. Show up to a press conference in hiphugger jeans and a belly shirt, sending text messages to your BFFs. Show off a henna tattoo that most males would lovingly describe as a "tramp stamp." To top it all off, do a beach scene in Playboy. No nudity is required, but make sure you're wearing a star-spangled string bikini. Is this unethical? Probably. Will it bring in the votes? Hell yes.
Spread the hate
If there's one thing the Republican party can do better than anyone else, it's spitting venom at anyone who gets on their bad side. Governor, I suggest you continue this fine tradition by publishing your own attack ads. Since McCain's jabs are focused on Obama's voting records, inexperience and near-celebrity status, go for the low blows whenever possible. Call Barack a poo poo head, a dingleberry and other juvenile insults. Photoshop images of the Democratic candidate wearing a Nazi uniform. Offer to pay off Clinton's campaign debt if she can beat you in a boxing match LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW! The more outlandish your behavior, the more logical McCain's speeches will appear.
So there you have it. A fool-proof, guaranteed plan to make Sarah Palin an appealing choice for vice president. If all goes well, my words will go completely ignored by the GOP campaign. It's not the first time I'd rather someone didn't listen to me, but it is the first where the outcome could potentially change the course of history.
Though there was the one time I called Shia LeBouf a lightweight ...
The biggest question marks are coming from the nomination of Governor Sarah Palin as McCain's VP. Is she a ploy to get jaded Hillary supporters? Is this nomination just a way of greenlighting oil drilling projects in her home state of Alaska? Is this one of the least experienced choices for vice president? The Republican party is doing everything in their power to shush out the numerous yeas to these queries, but they seem insistent on keeping the governor on the ballot.
Even though I personally distrust the Republican party after eight years of Dubya finding new ways to fail (and new ways to spin said failures into success stories), I feel somewhat obligated to help Palin improve her "street cred" as a candidate. Here are just a few suggestions.
Steal the spotlight
The media loves talking about Sarah Palin about as much as they love talking about Barack Obama. The more time mainsteream media outlets devotes to covering Palin's "qualifications," the less time they have to focus on McCain.
So my first tip for Palin: Get those headlines! Discuss your plans to abolish sex education, get into an altercation with Stephen Colbert, dangle your pregnant daughter out of a hotel window a la Michael Jackson ... Whatever it takes to keep the news focused on you, and not the more important issues.
Get the look
The big problem most of the media outlets have with Palin is her youth. Whereas most advisors would hint at more professional dress, I say flaunt your body. Show up to a press conference in hiphugger jeans and a belly shirt, sending text messages to your BFFs. Show off a henna tattoo that most males would lovingly describe as a "tramp stamp." To top it all off, do a beach scene in Playboy. No nudity is required, but make sure you're wearing a star-spangled string bikini. Is this unethical? Probably. Will it bring in the votes? Hell yes.
Spread the hate
If there's one thing the Republican party can do better than anyone else, it's spitting venom at anyone who gets on their bad side. Governor, I suggest you continue this fine tradition by publishing your own attack ads. Since McCain's jabs are focused on Obama's voting records, inexperience and near-celebrity status, go for the low blows whenever possible. Call Barack a poo poo head, a dingleberry and other juvenile insults. Photoshop images of the Democratic candidate wearing a Nazi uniform. Offer to pay off Clinton's campaign debt if she can beat you in a boxing match LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW! The more outlandish your behavior, the more logical McCain's speeches will appear.
So there you have it. A fool-proof, guaranteed plan to make Sarah Palin an appealing choice for vice president. If all goes well, my words will go completely ignored by the GOP campaign. It's not the first time I'd rather someone didn't listen to me, but it is the first where the outcome could potentially change the course of history.
Though there was the one time I called Shia LeBouf a lightweight ...
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