The Jambar

Issue date: 10/20/05 Section: ae

Although they haven't mentioned this future transvestitism, local news stations have hitched their wagons to the "Extreme Makeover" Express, and they're hoping they don't run out of coal to feed its Ty-powered engine. I've personally seen their most trivial updates on the status of the newly constructed "Extreme Makeover" house. Just the other day I had mistakenly left the local news on, and while I was shouting "Noooooo!" and frantically looking for the remote, I heard two different news reports about how Ty's abs were glistening in the sun while he was walking around with his no-shirt. At first I was horrified, but then relieved to see that they weren't showing that damn water-skiing squirrel footage as often as they tend to do. I know they call it "the lighter side of the news," but that squirrel doesn't want to be there; look at the fear in its eyes, people.

This slavish devotion to the "Extreme Makeover" phenomena makes me wonder if people really know that the show is eventually going to leave town. Yes, I'm sorry if this is news to some of you, but Ty and Company hold no loyalty to our burg. I know he may have tried your peach cobbler, and possibly impregnated a few of you, but I assure you he was only trying to adapt to the atmosphere of uncomfortable hospitality. When the building of this house is over, he'll move onto new towns with different cobblers and more loose women. This fact hasn't gotten through to a lot of people, though. I could have sworn that I saw a local news anchor groveling at Ty's feet, screaming, "Don't leave! We have nothing else! Nothing!"

This whole "Extreme Makeover" thing has made me feel like I'm living in an alternate reality, where The Beatles landed in Youngstown as opposed to New York, and they're a boring reality show instead of a rock band. Maybe this being the biggest thing to happen to our town is profoundly sad, or maybe it's just that I watch too many cartoons and not enough broadcast TV. I am a hypocrite though, because if a celebrity like Youngstown's own Ed O' Neill came to town, I would be going as ape shit as the "Extreme Makeover" groupies. And if he's reading this, I have a message for him: Al Bundy, we miss you, and we want you to come home.

Call Bob Mackey at (330) 941-1913.

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