...if they can't take a joke.
Mark Stevens
Issue date: 10/6/05 Section: OpEd
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Two-week hiatus. I'm back, like Jordan wearing the 4-5. Miss me?
Usually, reading a movie review is about as painful as having a Lasik procedure done with a chainsaw. You tend to get some delusional bastard with a thesaurus and a penchant for either overwhelmingly praising or ungodly derisive adjectives, depending on whether or not he is A. attracted to the lead actor/actress or not so much, B. paid well by the studio or left to grovel over the Internet for donations, or C. really stupid or really stupid.
The biggest problem with your average movie review is that your average movie reviewer is not your average movie watcher. The people that shell out cash to see "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" don't care which roles Dennis Hopper deserved an Oscar for, which movies really highlighted the human experience through the eyes of a panda, or which directors have a penchant for creating visually and culturally and politically and musically life-altering films. Your average movie watcher is, well, you. And me.
And even though my memory of actors and roles and movies is at times disturbing to my friends, I still watch movies for the same reason you do: Recreation.
I sincerely wonder whether or not Gene Siskel ever watched a movie for fun before he died. He's the dead one, right? I forget because I always thought Roger Ebert was one Adam Sandler movie away from hanging himself.
Typically, reviews of action movies containing literary references and complaints about subtle feasibility problems aren't useful for people who like action movies. Reviews about romantic comedies that try to peace together sometimes barely cohesive narratives and ignore the ideas of fantasy and Prince Charming and love (aww, love) aren't useful to the sensitive-type people who enjoy a good funny romp through love.
So here's my take on the movie review, only I'm not going to tell you which movie I'm reviewing. It's funner this way (Yes, I just said 'funner.' No, 'funner' is not a word. Yes, I knew before I typed it that it wasn't a word. No, I don't care whether or not you think I'm stupid. Yes, I enjoy starting sentences with 'no' and 'yes.' No, I'm not going to stop this little rant yet. Yes, I have some free time. Yes, I'm sure you're tired of this. Shoot me.).
Usually, reading a movie review is about as painful as having a Lasik procedure done with a chainsaw. You tend to get some delusional bastard with a thesaurus and a penchant for either overwhelmingly praising or ungodly derisive adjectives, depending on whether or not he is A. attracted to the lead actor/actress or not so much, B. paid well by the studio or left to grovel over the Internet for donations, or C. really stupid or really stupid.
The biggest problem with your average movie review is that your average movie reviewer is not your average movie watcher. The people that shell out cash to see "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" don't care which roles Dennis Hopper deserved an Oscar for, which movies really highlighted the human experience through the eyes of a panda, or which directors have a penchant for creating visually and culturally and politically and musically life-altering films. Your average movie watcher is, well, you. And me.
And even though my memory of actors and roles and movies is at times disturbing to my friends, I still watch movies for the same reason you do: Recreation.
I sincerely wonder whether or not Gene Siskel ever watched a movie for fun before he died. He's the dead one, right? I forget because I always thought Roger Ebert was one Adam Sandler movie away from hanging himself.
Typically, reviews of action movies containing literary references and complaints about subtle feasibility problems aren't useful for people who like action movies. Reviews about romantic comedies that try to peace together sometimes barely cohesive narratives and ignore the ideas of fantasy and Prince Charming and love (aww, love) aren't useful to the sensitive-type people who enjoy a good funny romp through love.
So here's my take on the movie review, only I'm not going to tell you which movie I'm reviewing. It's funner this way (Yes, I just said 'funner.' No, 'funner' is not a word. Yes, I knew before I typed it that it wasn't a word. No, I don't care whether or not you think I'm stupid. Yes, I enjoy starting sentences with 'no' and 'yes.' No, I'm not going to stop this little rant yet. Yes, I have some free time. Yes, I'm sure you're tired of this. Shoot me.).
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