The Jambar

Issue date: 5/26/05 Section: OpEd

Media Credit: Bob Mackey Cartoon by Bob Mackey [Click to enlarge]

Like most members of my lazy, coddled generation, I occasionally realize the hopelessness of life (mainly through song lyrics) and I start to feel suicidal. Most recently it happened to me on a rainy Friday afternoon when I was driving home from school. Fighting the urge to swerve into traffic and become rotisserie-cooked to a crisp golden-brown in my Beretta, I saw a quick and deep-fried way to end my life. Those two beautiful golden arches were the gates of heaven, and the angel of death that led me there had red hair and a sunny disposition. I hate to admit it, but I went to McDonald's.

Okay, so maybe I wasn't suicidal, but I was feeling self-destructive enough to eat fast food.

Pulling into the rain-soaked McDriveway, I saw minivan after minivan covered with bumper stickers and full of fat, unattractive people. The worst part of it was that those bumper stickers weren't even clever! Yes, I do agree that soccer is a "kick in the grass," but I wouldn't want to feature such trivialities on the beautiful azure flesh of my 1995 man-chariot! One young foodbag in a minivan seemed to not understand how the flow of traffic worked in the drive thru, and unfortunately there weren't any sausages to guide him on his way. I waved him in, and he barely scraped by my car, eager to get his hands on the newest menu item that was stuffed with cream before I could.

His order had the volume of a Tolstoy novel, and when he pulled away from the order box, I forgot where I was. "Is my oil change done yet," I asked sheepishly. "Sir, we change the oil every morning." What a relief. Looking at the food, I wondered how many miles I would have to run to repair my body after consuming one menu item. I also wondered if blood would reach my leg arteries after so being thoroughly clogged. Just then, something caught my eye as the corner of the menu sign showed me a screaming missive of pain and misery. "2 Sausage McGriddles plus a Hash Brown Breakfast Combo!" Sadly, it wasn't an option at that point, since breakfast time had passed, and also because McDonald's wasn't giving away any angioplasty coupons. Rats!

Continued...

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