I wish I smoked...
Bob Mackey
Issue date: 4/28/05 Section: OpEd
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Yeah, that's right. In these days when smokers are being demonized more than ever, it's never been more appealing to me. What scientists discovered in the early 1900s and what public interest groups have been trying to keep from you since the 1960s is the fact that smoking makes you look so cool. Yet, since taking my Smoke Free Class of 2000 pledge in the second grade, (honestly this is a little early in life to be making pledges) I have not smoked a single cigarette, therefore dooming myself to a life of uncoolness. Using scientific calculations, smoking could increase my Coolness Quotient (CQ) by 234 percent!
Unfortunately whiny anti-smoking groups with significant-sounding one-syllable names like Stand, Truth, Squat and Shmup have been trying to dissuade any rumors of the benefits of smoking. A particularly unpleasant commercial for one of these groups has been infecting my TV for the past few months. The ad opens with a group of teens at a diner having some inane conversation about cellular phones. Just as you wish they would shut the hell up, a smoke ring drifts by their table, silencing the group. "Hooray," you shout, "Hooray for cyanide gas!" Unfortunately, it's only cigarette smoke, and the teens are still alive. One of them punches a petulant little fist through the smoke ring, and it somehow transforms into some worthless activist bracelet on the teen's wrist.
Now, after seeing this commercial so many times, I've come to two possible conclusions:
The teens are sitting next to Gandalf or some other high elf/wizard, and he is merely showing them fantastic smoke tricks.
One of the teens has the power to turn smoke rings into worthless "I care" wear; a useless skill, but interesting nonetheless.
Or, it could just be a failed attempt at a deep and meaningful statement. Whatever it is, these groups are concentrating on the bad, and overlooking all the good that smoking can bring.
This myopic behavior from these activists really needs to stop. Yes, with smoking you'll get yellow teeth, camel breath and eventually cancer, but nothing can stand in the way of your coolness! Let's take a look at fiction. Smoking has become shorthand for "badass," and rightly so. Every lazy writer knows that if you want to make a character "edgy," you need to put as many cigarettes in his/her/its mouth as possible. My estimation is that by the time Die Hard 4 comes out, Bruce Willis's character will be smoking so much that his presence in the movie will be that of a thick billowing cloud of danger and action.
Unfortunately whiny anti-smoking groups with significant-sounding one-syllable names like Stand, Truth, Squat and Shmup have been trying to dissuade any rumors of the benefits of smoking. A particularly unpleasant commercial for one of these groups has been infecting my TV for the past few months. The ad opens with a group of teens at a diner having some inane conversation about cellular phones. Just as you wish they would shut the hell up, a smoke ring drifts by their table, silencing the group. "Hooray," you shout, "Hooray for cyanide gas!" Unfortunately, it's only cigarette smoke, and the teens are still alive. One of them punches a petulant little fist through the smoke ring, and it somehow transforms into some worthless activist bracelet on the teen's wrist.
Now, after seeing this commercial so many times, I've come to two possible conclusions:
Or, it could just be a failed attempt at a deep and meaningful statement. Whatever it is, these groups are concentrating on the bad, and overlooking all the good that smoking can bring.
This myopic behavior from these activists really needs to stop. Yes, with smoking you'll get yellow teeth, camel breath and eventually cancer, but nothing can stand in the way of your coolness! Let's take a look at fiction. Smoking has become shorthand for "badass," and rightly so. Every lazy writer knows that if you want to make a character "edgy," you need to put as many cigarettes in his/her/its mouth as possible. My estimation is that by the time Die Hard 4 comes out, Bruce Willis's character will be smoking so much that his presence in the movie will be that of a thick billowing cloud of danger and action.