The Jambar

Issue date: 4/28/05 Section: OpEd

Although it probably won't turn you into an action star, smoking can help you meet new and interesting people. Smokers are notoriously social with each other, having been cast out in the cold with their peers to congregate. What better introduction can you make than by lighting a lady's cigarette? For non-smokers, this is an impossibility; I've offered many times to light things on fire for women and my propositions have only been met by strange looks and police encounters.
The real linchpin to what makes smoking so cool is the fact that something on fire is hanging out of your mouth. It's true. Try walking around with an unlit cigarette in your mouth and see how long it takes before someone kicks your ass. Sadly, other things that hang out of your mouth cannot be lit on fire to increase their coolness. For example: a sucker. After that stick burns away, you're left with a choking hazard and the exact same amount of lameness you started with. Ultimately smoking is a great way to develop a personality for you without really having one! People will take one look at you and say, "Hey, that person smokes." Smoking is a wonderful decision that you should make while you're young, and then regret when you're older.
I'd never start smoking though; I'm too cheap.

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